I have demons in me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dude. I can hear the air.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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