I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
