Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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