Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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