as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
