im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
don't judge my taste in strippers
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
