Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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