sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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