She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
