between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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