Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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