He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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