Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
