I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize