how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When are your genitals available?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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