so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
