I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
