Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
