I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize