Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
