Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We need a shit load of segways right now
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
