When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
