I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
