I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
