apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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