im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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