my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
