The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
