I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
