I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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