I skipped work to stalk him.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
