i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize