dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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