Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
