Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
