If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize