I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
