if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize