just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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