i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
