If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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