2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
