I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
