3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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