Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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