You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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