i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize