woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
