I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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