there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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