Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
