You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
