when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
