My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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