i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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