Why are handjobs necessary in class?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
